Don't let me know- J and H

I don’t know what to think anymore, my life before was so normal, I could rely on the routine of the day being the exact same, and I nor the housekeepers had to worry about anything strange. But that has changed undeniably and completely. It all started with that accursed experiment that I became so obsessed with and consumed with. I believed that with the right chemical the evil in men could be controlled and ultimately eliminated from mankind. My every waking moment was filled with completing the experiment and being successful. I became withdrawn upon myself, I hardly ever came out, I had the food left at the door for me to get when I my bodily needs became too strong for me to overcome, and often times the food was cold.

All I could see was the test tubes with the formula inside it, constantly mocking me and telling me that I would never succeed in my endeavors. I used animals to test it on, and it seemed to work. It took so much time and energy to get to that point, and I was undoubtedly thinner and paler than I was before I started this experiment, but I felt a triumph. I had completed my formula to perfection I believed, my HJ7 was finally complete.

I needed a human subject though, so I did what I could only think of, I knew I would never be permitted to experiment on another human being, it is indecent, they would say, it is terrible, monstrous, and any other amount of things. I had to use is on myself, and so I did. That night was when my life became a living hell. Yes, I had separated the good and evil in men, but it backfired. The evil that I knew men could do now had a face, and it even named itself. Edward Hyde. It is now the name of the devil himself to me. This monster has wrecked my life to the point where I no longer know what to do.

My life, if you could even call it that now, is a nightmare. My dreams are filled with screams and terrible images I never want to see again. Sometimes I wake up lying in an alley, still dressed in Hyde’s clothes and blood splattered on me. I do not know everything he does, but sometimes a memory of his seeps into my mind, or I read something in the paper about one of his deeds. I have many times pondered the fact of suicide. I could end it all and save myself as well as the poor souls who are suffering at the cruel hands of my counterpart.

But I still feel I can find a new chemical that will free me from his vice-like grip upon my being, I must. I can’t just let my life end like this, it would be a waste. I know I can contribute so much to the world that other doctors and scientists haven’t, but my intelligence is being wasted away on my fatigue. Sometimes I can scarcely move from the spot upon which I am lying I ache so much. Hyde will stay up for nights at a time, doing who knows what, spending all my energy and then leaving my a pathetic, shriveled shell until he comes back to grab my throat and continue strangling my life away.

Sometimes he will speak to me in my mind to mock me, and I feel like a madman. I already know I must be mad by now, for I have gone through so much, so I doubt it makes any difference. The more Hyde does, the more he drains away my life and my enthusiasm for what I had before. My housekeepers often times wonder if their employer is not dead, and I have not seen any of my friends for a long time. I have seen them for short periods of time, but soon I begin feeling the effects of the Change begin to seize me and make me short of breath, so I must cut it off short. I must find a cure to this to end my pain. My hands are shaking as I write this, and I can feel that if I keep this up much longer I will collapse upon this desk, not knowing if I will wake up as myself or not.

God, please don’t let me know everything he does, this suffering is enough. The glimpses I see through dreams, the memories, the paper is enough, I don’t need to see more. Please don’t let me know. It horrifies me to know that Hyde and I are one in the same, two parts of the same whole. I am not going to pretend I was a sinless man beforehand, none of us are. I had done things I wasn’t proud of, it’s true, but every man has done such things. I wasn’t an evil man, I wasn’t a bad man, but now I am. I am stained with the blood of his victims--my victims--and I am repulsed by how disgusting I am.

I have seen disfigured people before in my work, for I am a doctor. They were ugly, one could even be described as monstrous or hideous, but they were still people, I tried to help them. But I am even worse than them, for they are normal men who want to lead a normal life, but I am truly a monster. Hyde is not ugly, but he gives off the semblance of a deformity without having one. That is how evil he is, and how revolting I have become. I have to overcome this. Hyde, if you read this, you are nothing more than my experiment, albeit, an experiment that has gotten out of control, but I am going to destroy you, and you will be gone forever, nothing more than that tiny voice of temptation that was there before.